I can't truly be angry but I can't truly be happy.
All my actions are a residue of the soul set on one way path; to be extinguished completely.
A warm body that will ultimately carry no soul and no will.
Lack of will would fuse me into one singular entity with all existence.
For me to be an integral part of it and not separate; with no form and no boundary and no illusion.
Neither dead nor alive, conscious or unconscious, free or enslaved, benevolent or malicious.

All success and praiseworthy things leave me in an indifferent pokerface ultimately.
A tiny bit of joy that goes away within seconds, or minutes if it is a lifechanging victory.
Same is the case of failures, leaving me sad or angry for seconds if they are severe, but that is it.
All success and failure leave me only with recognition that things that did happen did happen, but no consideration of importance or meaning because they are subjective and therefore wrong.

I do not see a reason for posting it other than an example of me still living the illusion to an extent, but I wonder how long it will last like this.
I cannot love, I cannot hate. Cannot miss anything and cannot wish for anything. Everything ultimately is colorless, shapeless and tasteless.
I have no hobbies anymore and there is less and less things that would bait me into participation in this illusion.
I have found a very deep peace. I will live long in peace, but I sometimes wish I lived and died in ignorance and illusion as an animal that nature made me.

My life is long enough to notice how I was essentially different people at different stages of development that I cannot in any way relate to at the moment. As if my memories were dreams and not reality. Echoes of my past characters do not bounce anymore and they are silent, the world has no memory if it despite being reality years ago.
It is so illusory that it serves me as an indirect proof of boundlessness and formlessness of everything, that I could've been anyone and I wouldn't have noticed it forever. A proof for emptiness.

Is this the part of the process of how the path goes?

Post soundtrack:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNCUiRYydP0&t=48