My personal journey to buddhism was that i used to be a depressed kid. I know that self diagnozing with mental issues has negative conotations these days but in preschool they wanted to get me tested for autism and I used to see and hear unreal humans in my mirror and see them there with my eyes in my early years but it passed and I had a phase for a few years fearing my parents killing me and I would be always on guard around them. I always checked if there are tools like knives around otherwise I wouldn't get near, so it looked like schizophrenia. In high school I was paranoic and did not care for a thing. I had issues with court at that time, and I always feared everything especially online since that was my main world since before I could read. A path that eventually led me to chans and darknetz and whatnot.

I observed nature of trolling, selfless help and mercy, information and culture coming and going, disorted echos of past and uncertain future and anything else. I learned that some are trolls, some are uninformed, some wish for the best but still do bad, some who don't care, some who are honest, some who are informed and share, some don't share even if they are living gods, some who help me to their ability without hoping for anything in return and any other case.
Every post but also every human word disappears over time, gets forgotten, gets misinterpreted, hides an intent, some are replicated more than others and many other cases.
I played many roles, I was some of archetypes for peroids from genuine behavior, some for learning how they think. I wanted to study the past of chans to understand them better but there were no sources or they were contradicting each other and many major things that nobody wrote down and nobody remembers. Lost and forgotten as if they never were real. Only to realize I know nothing about my family and their achievements more than 100 years back. This is impremanence and lack of meaning.

Defining words became harder each time I tried. First my peer misinterprets my intent under the word. I define it, then he misses intent under one word of the definition and I define a definition within a definition but he also want something explained again and so it goes forever only to realize that words despite being a physical phenomenon are completely relative as information and can mean nothing. And they mean nothing by default. And nobody can prove that my post makes any sense in terms of information. Like someone speaking a language you never heard and expecting you to know it, same with saying a sentence in a language that 2 people speak but they also manage not to understand each other. Thought is never transmitted 1 to 1. Same is the case for all information that is not logical gates. But interpreting what logical gates is, too, relative because you might not know maths and fail to see a pattern. All consciousness becomes relative. With consciousness goes sensing anything besides thoughts since brain also subjectively interprets any signal and it could just as well not do that. What is pain to one is merely a touch to someone else. What is spicy to one is regular to someone else. What is an image to one is nothing to a blind man. What one sees as truth is a lie to another man and vice versa.

If you have two identical posts you can not know if it was the same person who made the first despite being 99.(9)% sure. You can't know who made the two posts, you can't prove anything. That information is lost to ether.
Even if you found the face of that poster you might mistake him for many other people. And if you find a man that looks exactly how you remember you find his exact 1:1 doppelganger. 1:1 in terms of every atom being exactly the same. And only they two know who is who and you can't even prove which is which. This is why form is pointless, only substance exists and only substance matters if at all. Because they two are substance that makes their bodies up and they know where one begins and ends and where the other begins and ends but you don't. They are two separate people but you can't prove which is which and they will always know. Despite them being separete, the entire rest of the universe would not be able to tell them apart with accuracy other than 50%.
You know that two separate blank sheets of paper are two different bodies, but you wouldn't be able to tell them apart if someone tasked you to tell afther he hid them, swiped and presented them. Form is replicable. You can't be teleported across the entire universe if someone made a copy of your body there. Because a human who is exactly like you is not you. And only the copy and you would be able to tell each other apart ultimately. So substance is what ties your senses to you and not your form. And combined with all other things I describe makes me think that treating form as objective is idiocy ultimately. You could've been anything and nothing would ever know. I bet my atoms made up a part of dog shit at one point of time.

Your substance had always existed since the big bang, and it just so arranged that you are a human. But your substance does not have to be a human. That is why it becomes dust and gets recycled after death. And it went through so many changes before your birth. Impermanent and everchaning. Whose expression does not matter, whether as stardust, a human, or again stardust and any state and substate and all in between. Form is empty of what makes a thing that thing. You were not a human since forever and until forever. Before your body was made in the womb of your mother you were just dust randomly scattered all over the world. And I was like it too.

If substance only exists, you can't prove form ultimately. Then any item and any real arrangement of atoms is something that is nothing more than energy that it is made up from. So 1 kg of gold is equal to 1 kg of hydrogen ultimately in all except the form. If everything is ultimately the same then why tell them apart? I know humans are built to tell things apart but they are just a brute-force tier learning mechanism by prebuilt aparature, but it was only for survival purposes and not abstraction purposes. If you were a UFO alien and saw a dog with a doghouse every time together you could assume that dog and doghouse are two elements of one body while they are separate and think of their relation like skin over flesh - you can separate them but they always come together in nature too. Or that since you can remove fingernails they are not an integral part of humans but only attached objects exactly like clothes.

So I realized that there is no definite terms in human thought, language, sensing and anything.
I realized that intent is optional and subjective so your decision and preference is optional.
I realized that form is everchaning and it is a made up perception of the brain which runs on subjective and therefore unreal thought
That all form is ultimately different expressions of the same substance

So I can't attach. I can't crave. Nothing is real besides substance, form is only an illusion to human monkey brains, nothing is forever and nothing has boundaries. Everything is one single blob of matter. It's hard for me to come up with words to describe the state I'm in but I am my own lord. Not in nirvana but I can't do things that I don't decide to do and environment can't put pressure on me anymore. No shame, no stress, no fear. No punishment repulsing, no prize is attractive. I don't vouch for what I shared. I still am a retard.