i used to not be like this, i used to have hopes and dreams and be generally enthusiastic, but my life has always been shit, i never had a good friend, not once in my entire life and long ago i would just push through that, but over the time i discovered that if i dont push, i still keep on moving, so i decided to do absolutely nothing and just embrace the misery. i started enjoying just feeling like shit and it really is a freeing and comforting feeling when you accept that all life is just a sad pathetic mess and theres nothing to do about it, and the value of future if you do decide to take action is equal to the value of future if you take no action. and just like that over the time i started enjoying being miserable and started disliking being happy. my life can all be changed if i just wait it out till may but i dont even want to be happy anymore. i dont want a happy life or anything like that i just want to rot and turn into compost. this is so irrational and stupid because if i could just wait till may it would all be great and awesome, but i dont want to, i feel like rotting is more enjoyable than living a happy life. what is wrong with me