>>176146
Brain bork is so insane, my conscious during psychosis had to constantly fight many of primal beings inside me that were me and just as many foreign beings inside me, and schizophrenic external beings from making me grab a knife from my desk and an heroing

The whole thing lasted about 26 hours, psychosis lasted for about 20 hours during which I could not let my guard down from something overtaking and ending me with that knife, it was so tiring XD

There were moments when I would disconnect mentally and physically like a restart switch losing memory and waking up into that hell again, so many times when my conscious thought it is a good idea considering how much suffering it would spare, so I cuffed my hand and I kept the other cuff around my radiator just not yet locking it in because I was aware sufficiently that if I reboot or my conscious disconnects my subconscious could be scared by being cuffed

Preceeding mental condition of being locked inside my head could trigger amplified reaction by being really jailed with cuffs (subconscious operates on symbols, lockup-jail-cuffs are connected), I am sure my subconscious would react to it with a panic attack and that would throw me into a deeper madness and I was done with teasing limits as it was an immesurable suffering already, so I held that cuff with hands for many hours waiting for the right moment to lock in
The moment never came luckily, teh image illustrates that mental state very well

When your ego is truly empty then screams and moans will fill the night to compensate it
I think I will never stop talking and thinking about it because it was so intense, magical, scary, and painful
I am really glad I was perapred with letting go and accepting the fate without struggling, at around 16 hours in or 10 hours into psychosis I accepted I will never live normally and it kept my subconscious and instincts in check which would interpret tiny signs of sobering up as a positive things and not worry about destroying my whole life and body forever to which it got accustomed to by me explaining it to it, my subconscious is very submissive and orderly, it worked like a charm
I was hallucinating so bad that after I deduced water loss I lost 20000kcal that day despite eating like half a kilo of sugar

I suspect synapses lost the substance for electrical exchange just past peak making mechanisms bork one by one and failing to resynchronize for way too long, I quickly felt like I had no serotonin at all since if you burn through all your ability to pass signals then effectively you have no serotonin, I had something of sort before and it felt like MDMA depression and emptiness on steroids setting in minutes. I had enough of mental capability so I mentally prepared for shit to go down as I had no antidote at hand (dumb me). I got my cuffs and lots of sugar and began eating sugar like crazy to avoid burning through muscles and burning/borking neurons as acid was not fading away and it takes an insane amount of energy to trip so I figured I may be fucked, and also cuffs in case I can't contain insanity, I closed windows and limited amount of light and sound, my state was worsening rapidly so I went about it fast, complete psychosis arrived in about an hour since I started borking

Its a long story!!