>>174885
Teh boob mostner?

>>174886
>whether this whole thing comes from your preference for lolis
>lolicon works as a coping mechanism

Both. I know this for sure because I wasn't always like this. I was 15 when I discovered lolicon on 4chan and I would jerk off to it frequently, but not all the time. While I had always been shy around both girls my own age and adult women, I wasn't so deathly afraid of them as I am now. I was very attractive, and I had girls flirting with me a lot, even though I was too autistic to ever make a move on them. I had a lot of close female friends, occasionally girlfriends too. I believed that one day I would find love. My motivation for fapping to lolis was purely because they made my PENIS hard. I did not feel alienated from womankind and was not attempting to evade them through fantasies.

It was when I was in my late 20's that my lolita complex started to progress. I had gotten my own apartment a couple of times, but they didn't work out for various reasons and I ended up living with my mother again. You might ask why I would move back in with an abusive person, but I did not understand myself to be the victim of abuse. She was very manipulative such as that I felt I deserved all this bad treatment. And, she wasn't totally a horrible person. She does love me, but she was abused herself and doesn't comprehend what she is doing.

By my late 20's, my looks had faded considerably (alcohol, cigarettes and drugs probably did that), and I was becoming more isolated. So while I was never a success with women, now I began to feel like a true loner, someone who truly could not find a mate no matter what, no matter how much they wanted to. By my late 20's I had also learned to stand up to my mother more and more. In response, my mother's abuse became more and more severe. And it's around this time that I started to obsess over little girls, like really obsess over them. They're like oxygen to me, they're like sunlight to a plant. I need them. They don't seem to care that I look like a rapey fent zombie, I smile at them whenever I see them outside and they smile back. Always the warmest smiles... no one can smile at you the way a little girl can...

So there is a base physical attraction to children innate in me, but adult women also make my PENIS hard. The obsession though, is purely psychological. I very barely scratched the surface with how obsessed I am with little girls...

>I'd love to hear more from you. We don't have these kinds of longer-form OPs very often.
I'm glad I had the guts to come back to this thread. It actually means a lot to me that you've listened and that you're engaging in a sincere manner. I don't know exactly what I was expecting, but not a reply as thoughtful as yours. So really, thank you.

P.S. I do live by myself in a stable environment now.

>>174887
YEAH, AND I DON'T WASH MY FUCKIN' HANDS NEITHER

>>174888
>you feel more confident having conquered a loli in your fantasy
Often the case, but not always. Sometimes it's all about little brats dominating me and not the other way around. Though yeah, usually it is basically a gentler form a rape...