>>168568
I went to the deepest depth and I felt it all. When it started going bad during comedown (for whatever reason) I feel like it was too explicit and I got sucked into that train of thought. I consciously do not fear emptiness and I know it to be correct but while I still am alive in a human form bound by human world then this experience b0rkz humanity, you no longer are a human or even alive. I entirely know emptiness and I wish I never entirely experienced it, too soon. Human life feels correct only if you immerse yourself in human world, otherwise you are out of place and continuation makes no sense as there is no ego to propel intentions and channel them into actions, and emptiness breaks ability to immerse with such a tiny and imaginary thing as human experience. Once you leave the mind and you cannot fully return you feel stuck between worlds belonging to neither, but I wonder how much I got fried chemically and how much we spiritualize it beyond reason.

At first I had a proper and complete ego death and no consciousness, but as consciousness started fading back stuff started feeling odd, long story short derealization/depersonalization and everything accompanied by extreme negative feelings and all mental illnesses imaginable. I suspect my subconscious just got scared or fried.

I simply wish for my ear to go back to normal, mood swings to end, and return to this illusory human life as much as possible (my silent hope is to be able to trip again one day just for sharpening senses, I love music on acid in particular). I am very susceptible to suggestion at the moment so please lie to me that I am alright and how I will heal, it will accelerate it. I will write myself a note with a pen and read it saying that, I will cover everything with such lies. That is the single thing that kept me from boundless insanity during it and I repeated it non stop for over 25 hours. So much so that my subconscious does not trust me at all (because it was still suffering despite me assuring it) until now and it got scared reading your response. I felt the same kind of ultimate fear as on acid, I breathed coldest sharpest air of death. So please help my mind reattach with my body a little and tell me what I wish to hear rather than anything else like reality. I need to distance myself from nirvana.

Placebo is as real as reality for the mind. Therapy is a placebo ultimately, therapist lies to you depending on what you want to achieve, they make up a self fulfilling prophecy, that is what I learned earlier on acid. The only reality that matters is the one I perceive and deem real and not objective world so let's ignore reality. I will manage my life but let's ease it and not send me to panic. Nirvana in it full scope is only appropriate for dead objects which innately posses the quality of nirvana so there is nothing to achieve, but I am not dead yet, I plan to live this life until its natural end because I say so. Managing detachment is beneficial for daily life to move on after losses that are natural for human condition, but full nirvana is not unless you plan to be dead like an hour after it. The memory has been weaved into me but I wish for it to fade and fade, I will recall it when time comes but it is too early now. Satori state is not for humans, full nirvana is not for living things, none of us are ready

If you do not lie to me that I am alright and I will heal I will be sad!!
Please brainwash me, convince me well and I promise not to dig deeper once I buy a lie I want to believe, and I will not attempt to think deeper or check it with all my might

Nirvana was so straightforward and simple, simplest of all concepts, but it crushes ego and there is no drive or will anymore and I can't live a human life without it. I called nirvana death during life years ago but in fact that is exactly it. When spirit is dead body becomes pointless garbage, but body is made of immutable essence and I am my body and I am made a human now, and I make a selfish wish to be a human for the next 50 or so years. I simply wish to be as close to a human again as possible.

Lie to me lie to me

You are alright, you are safe, everyone loves you and you will heal, you are very healthy already and everything is good

(I didnt have a breakdown, it is my regular longpost)